Narcissists Among Us

We all grew up reading the story of Narcissus and his eventual discovery of his reflection.  And that led us to think of narcissistic people as grandiose and larger than life.  I am seeing, more and more, and reading/studying about our narcissistic culture of entitlement.  It is fascinating to see how social media and declining religiosity in America is resulting in narcissists flourishing in troubled families and vulnerable religious and social communities.

You see, the narcissist needs more than his own picture of himself. His own picture, in the mirror, is seen as inferior and flawed. So he looks to others for affirmation and respect, for support of an illusion. He expects them to support the image he wants to see. He wants to be superior, so he expects others to think of him as superior. He wants to be admirable and desirable and powerful, so he expects the people around him to tell him he is these things. They are supposed to praise him in ways reality does not.

What if our mirrors do not show us what we like?  Most people, especially in Lent take time to do a spiritual inventory and make some changes.  Narcissists, however, will preen, cajole, manipulate and avoid any sort of honest appraisal of their lives and habits.  There is an unhealthy dose of denial and inability to recognize how their life affects everyone around them.

The day a narcissist realizes you are no longer under the spell, that you can see them for what they are, they are done with you.  The moment he sees disagreement or judgment in your eyes, things will change. You are no longer important, no longer a friend, no longer a relationship to cultivate and cherish. Now you are a badly placed mirror. And when you stop being the mirror they want, then you are no longer of use.  I have counseled many people left on this abandoned and burned out end, still unsure what has happened.

God wants more of us than this culture obsessed with itself.  It may seem sad, or even harsh, but the best thing we can do for our family and friends is to simply stop reflecting any sort of false image. Stop playing the game. Stop feeding our culture of entitlement. Speak the truth in love.

Jesus went into the wilderness where he encountered many fraudulent mirrors and offers that Satan tried to hold before him.  He rejected them all.  Can we be astute enough to do the same?  Can we be honest enough with one another to reject games and false motives?  Lent gives us the gift of weeding out any narcissism within us and learning to see ourselves in God's eyes, as God's image, called to love and serve others, called to be a part of a community gathered as the Body of Christ.

Choices

There is no way to get around how modernity has affected the psychological experience of faith, where faith is usually thought to be located in the mind. In a pluralistic and hyper-connected world religious belief is no longer a cultural given or an inherited legacy from past generations. 

Rather, in modernity faith is at the front of our minds experienced as a choice among a wide swath of competing options. This can be a choice between the denominations within Christianity, between faith and the varieties of unfaith (e.g., atheism, agnosticism). And this is a choice—simply because it is a choice—that has to be routinely revisited. This can make faith feel fragile, tentative and provisional.

Consequently, doubt is a consistent aspect of our religious experience. We doubt because we chose faith and because we chose faith we’ll never escape doubt. And yet, many of us don’t cope with this situation very well. Doubt is associated with anxiety at the deepest levels. Doubt makes us question the foundational aspects of our lives, the deep structures that make life coherent and meaningful.

And yet, many people struggle in trying to carry this burden. They have opened their minds to others but the associated doubts—the question marks they have placed behind everything—create existential crises and panics that can lead to cognitive rumination, depression or other psychological problems. And if not these psychological problems the doubt produces a host of spiritual problems—cynicism, listlessness and spiritual dryness.

We go into the wilderness and into exile to confront our doubt, our listlessness. It seems like living with doubt makes you walk a tightrope between dogmatism or depression. Perhaps the wilderness can show us another way: I think doubt can be replaced with an eccentric experience of faith which can be rooted in the experience of gratitude and gift.

Gratitude and gift are eccentric experiences. Something is “given” to us. We experience palpably the debt-to-debtor relationship with God in our very being.  Consequently, our sense of ownership, belonging and stewardship is attenuated. Our posture toward life becomes open-handed and receptive rather than tight-fisted and possessive. This allows us to face the uncertainties and fortunes of life with an experience of gratitude rather than anxiety. Gratitude is a balm for anxiety and it softens the heart toward those we experience as other. If life is a gift there is nothing to protect or defend.  We can forsake our petty desires to compete or protect, to achieve power or control.

How does Lent challenge your own sense of identity and eccentric experience of faith?  How do you respond to a sense of indebtedness to God while cherishing the freedom of choice in denying yourself, picking up your cross, and following?  How do your doubts inform your choice, your discipline, your goals for discipleship?

Fasting

I saw our Bishop post a suggestion about fasting for a cause recently.  One of the remarks to his post was "well, I don't like to be deprived so I'll just send money."  That may be a totally legitimate response for that person, I don't know.

But, it made me think: has it become too easy for us to dismiss any sort of spiritual discipline? If we turn to scripture, Jesus expected his followers to fast. In fact, he gave specific instructions for how to fast. 

Matthew 9:15 “The time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; then they will fast.” 

Matthew 6:16-18 “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”  

The church fasted in order to hear from God. In Acts 13:2-3, while they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, “Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them.” So after they had fasted and prayed, they placed their hands on them and sent them off. The church fasted on behalf of their leaders and those in service. 

When even more power was needed Mark 9:29 shows us: “This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting.”  So, why do we do talk so little about fasting?  Moreover, why do we do so little of it?

Sadly, I think it is because we are used to a gluttonous lifestyle.  The idea of being deprived is thought of as punishment or even futile.  And yet medical studies show us that intermittent fasting has been proven to be quite healthy and beneficial for those who are able.  There is definitely something medical and mystical about being "emptied" and spending time in earnest prayer or silence.

It seems popular these days to engage in other types of fasts than that of food:  fast from Facebook or social media or cell phone use.  Somehow that doesn't conjure up the same sort of discipline or opportunity to be emptied of oneself; if that time is not redirected to prayer or scripture study, it is just avoiding our addiction to entertainment.  

Spiritual fasting can take shape in other ways.  I like what St. John Crysostom suggested in the early church, "Let the mouth also fast from disgraceful speeches and railings. For what does it profit if we abstain from fish and fowl and yet bite and devour our brothers and sisters? The evil speaker eats the flesh of his brother and bites the body of his neighbor. "

How might Lent give us an opportunity to fast in one way or another?  Fasting is not merely for ourselves nor is it to impress God.  Isaiah 58 expounds on the notion of true fasting and what the Lord desires:

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke,

to set the oppressed free

and break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—

when you see the naked, to clothe them,

and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear;

then your righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

Legacies

Mark's gospel begins with John the Baptist in the wilderness and then Jesus appears on the scene to be baptized.  After that great moment where the clouds are parted, a booming voice affirms Jesus' identity as God's beloved son and the Spirit drives him into the wilderness.

That seems to be the legacy with God and God's people. Adam and Eve were exiled from the Garden of Eden. Noah survived the flood but his new life was an exile from the old. He was cut off from everything he knew before the flood.  It seems that exile and wandering in the wilderness is a rite of passage for biblical greatness yet we dread it like a plague.  We fight it, avoid it, or at best hope to control it.

Abraham was an exile in Canaan. Hagar was exiled from Abraham and Sarah. Jacob lived in exile under Laban’s rule waiting to receive Rebecca as his wife. Joseph was in exile in the well and in prison, while Moses was in exile many times: in the basket at birth, in the palace growing up, in the wilderness after killing a man, in the Sinai Wilderness, and in his lonely place of leadership.

David was in exile as he ran from King Saul.  Jonah was in exile in the belly of the whale. God’s people were in exile in Egypt, Assyria and Babylon. Jesus was in exile as he hung on the cross. And Paul was in exile from the Jews (once his greatest supporters) as well as by enduring the “thorn in his flesh.”

It’s a wonder we are so ignorant of exile and God’s purpose for it when exile is so prevalent in the Bible. How can we be so blind?  If we fully understood how God uses exile to benefit us we would stand in line all night to be included in this legacy But we don’t have to stand in line, do we? We all get a free pass; it’s called “life.”

Why do we think exile is just for ancient times? If God used it then to prove his people, why wouldn’t he use it now?  We have a tendency to think we are too sophisticated to wander in the wilderness.  I pray that humility and willingness will open our hearts to be moved, driven, purified and healed of our illusions and wandering hearts.

Revealed

When God sent his people to Babylon in exile he spoke to the prophet Ezekiel:

…son of man, pack your bags to prepare yourself for exile and go into exile  (galah) … Ezekiel 12:3

The Hebrew word for “go into exile” is “galah”. It also means to “expose, lay bare, uncover, reveal, be stripped.”  

Here’s another verse using “galah” but the word is translated “laid bare:” 

I will tear down the wall you have covered with whitewash and will level it to the ground so that its foundation will be laid bare (galah). Ezekiel 13:14

So exile isn’t just a physical experience. Exile is a metaphor for what God wants to do in his people. He uses exile to expose our true heart. He lays us bare, very much like this verse relates: he tears down everything false in us to expose our foundation. I do not believe the goal is to shame us. God wants to purify us by bringing the impurities to the surface and removing them.

Exile reveals our dark side. (It can also reveal our good side). Exile brings confession to the forefront of our heart. The experience of exile has the unique ability to reveal things hidden deep within us that can’t be found in good times. In order to move on from exile we need to embrace the experience and let it do its full work. The more we resist it the longer we stay in exile. 

Have you ever noticed how our culture avoids exile at any cost?  Prayer, fasting, and alms giving has been reduced to more manageable inconveniences like giving up meat on Fridays or giving up dessert after a full meal.  God wants more than that: if He must draw us into exile to capture our undivided heart He will.

What do you fear that true exile will reveal in your heart?  Are you willing to take the risk, the journey?

Sin and Shame

As I was meditating yesterday I came across this quote from Pr. Nadia Bolz-Weber:

So one end of the church tells us that sin is an antiquated notion that only makes us feel bad about ourselves so we should avoid mentioning it at all. While the other end of the church tells us that sin is the same as immorality and totally avoidable if you are just a good squeaky clean Christian. But when sin is boiled down to low self esteem and immorality then it becomes something we can control or limit in some way rather than something we are bondage to. The reality is that I cannot free myself from the bondage of self. I cannot keep from being turned in on self. I cannot by my own understanding or effort disentangle myself from my self interest and when I think that I can …I am trying to do what is only God’s to do.

In many ways "sin" has become a loaded word, a word that can be bereft of meaning for young people or those not affiliated with a religious tradition.  For many reasons we need to reclaim it, own it, while also realizing that freedom, liberation and reconciliation comes from God.  We don't own sin, it owns us.

For so many people sin corresponds to shame.  And shame can be healthy only when it propels us to repentance and liberation.  More often than not, however, the idea of sin has been used to beat us down and we prefer to "conceal and carry": we conceal our shame, avoid repentance, and grow more deeply entrenched in our narcissistic culture of self-help, feel good consumerism.  We are in bondage to feeding the self, hiding the self, hiding from God and others.  Do we really think we can sustain the illusion that we are perfect, that we are fine? That we do not fail by deeds of omission and commission on a daily basis?  That we can disentangle our web of self-deception without God's help?

I appreciate very much that the season of Lent has not been coopted by our culture.  No one is having a Lent Madness sale and there are no sack-cloth-and-ashes to be found at the local drug store.  There is simply the call that is as ancient as the wilderness itself: repent, turn around, turn away from the world and turn back toward God.  It sounds easy: a road sign that says walk this way.  But there are no specific GPS coordinates for comfort or convenience.  It is a journey each person must undertake and it is unique and intimately shaped by the Holy One just for you.

While God calls us to wholeness, health, joy and wellness, God also calls us to repentance, discipline, self-denial and growth.  This call is different for each one of us. This delicate balance, this journey cannot be achieved by our own will and it is never easy or comfortable.  The season of Lent asks of us: can we commit to being disrupted by God?  Can we let go of the illusion that we can "fix" our inward bent on the self while also doing our part in being made vulnerable and humbled, in surrendering to a journey and process we cannot quantify or measure?

The season of revelry is gone for another year.  The ashes that marked our forehead yesterday have been washed off.  Can we allow our shame, our sin, to be laid bare and transformed on the altar of the wilderness?  Are we willing to know exile, to confess our failures and losses, surrender to the possibility of an entirely different horizon shaped by God?

Ash Wednesday

This Lenten season I am wrestling with the losses that we face in life.  Today I will help a daughter bury her mother while also putting ashes on that daughter's head and reciting these poignant words: you are dust and to dust you shall return.

The title of this blog derives from the reality of exile:  when life throws you a curve and you end up in a place you never thought possible.  The Israelites didn't know what to make of their exile and they struggled to trust God and His provision.  In many ways, exile is a time of feeling stuck while struggling to move, feeling as if you will never make the mark, never get to the promised land.

Today we wear ashes on our foreheads to announce our acceptance of the truth that we are not here to stay: that we are on a sojourn that demands of us many sacrifices and disciplines.  If you look back on your life it is probably the "exiles" endured that have taught you the most lessons or had the most impact on spiritual maturity.

Is it possible to see our exiles as times in which God is shaping or strengthening us for further or more advanced ministry in the Kingdom?  Or do we prefer to see them as mere hardship, a test of endurance, or an occasion for pity?

Today we are challenged to redefine and repent for squandering the 'dash' of our lives: the time spent between birth and death.  Is my ultimate concern myself and my petty wants or do I trust and accept that my heart will be restless until it resigns to the peace that only God can give?  Am I willing to sojourn through the wilderness without whining and seeking a false sense of control?

Exiles drive us to seek answers: are we willing to look to God and in God's Word?  Where is God driving you this day as we gaze into the wilderness? What images or concepts do you wrestle with? What stories or narratives are competing for your attention?